Stargate Atlantis Slightly Screwed Musical Recap
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: What if the Stargate Atlantis crew had to perform a re-cap of their first adventure, live on stage, in musical form?
1. Scene One

Stargate Atlantis: the Slightly-Screwed Recap  
by mermaid2bseeker

What if the Atlantis crew was doing an improvised review of their first adventure, live on stage, in musical form?

Scene One:

Athosian Chorus (through speakers, to the tune of the Brady Bunch) "The curtain rises, the crew is assembled, Now we're all going to try to sing this show. But we're not going to make no promises, McKay is quite tone-deaf."

McKay (backstage) "Hey, I am not!"

_The curtain rises: It's the Ancient outpost on Earth._

Beckett (without accent) "You see? Nothing."

Weir (backstage) "Carson, your accent!"

Beckett "Sorry."

McKay "Quit being a baby."

Beckett (to the tune of the Brady Bunch, with accent) "I'm a chicken, and I'm really afraid, so you'd better get that chair away from me."

McKay "Oh, come on, Carson, you're just being stupid."

Beckett "I am not doing it."

McKay "Oh, yes, you are."

Beckett "Oh, no I'm not."

McKay "Sit down, close your eyes and concentrate."

_Beckett sits in the Ancient chair, it activates._

Weir (backstage) "Not yet!"

Kavanaugh (backstage) "Sorry."

_The chair deactivates._

_A nervous, quiet moment passes._

Beckett "See nothing." (he gets up)

McKay "Try again."

_Beckett sits down again, nothing happens_

Weir (backstage) "Now."

Kavanaugh (backstage) "Right."

_The chair activates._

Someone from the set "Oh, no!"

_A tennis ball flies across the stage suspended by wires._

_Weir walks on stage._

Weir "What's going on here?"

Beckett "I didn't do it."

_Ford runs on stage._

Ford "The ball…I mean the drone is going to hit the helicopter."

_From above them, a miniature helicopter flies around being followed by the tennis ball._

Sheppard (through radio) "What is that thing?"

Jack (through radio) "I can't tell you, yet."

Sheppard "Why not?"

Jack "Because you have to be the clíche-naïve-youth-who-discovers-latent-powers-he-didn't-know-he-had."

Sheppard "I hate clíches."

Jack "Hey, that's my line."

Weir "Boys, focus."

Jack "Right. Bank left."

_The helicopter turns right._

Sheppard "Sorry."

Weir "Carson, do something."

Beckett "Why can't Daniel do it?"

Weir "Because we need to create suspense."

Beckett "Everyone's already seen the previews on T.V., they all know John and Jack have more adventures."

McKay "You know, he's got a point."

Weir (into headset) "Kavanaugh, lose the chopper."

_Both the ball and the helicopter are lifted out of sight._

Ford "Oh yea, you saved them, Now I still have a job, And if you don't mind, I am going to leave now."

McKay "Why do we have to sing everything we say?"

Weir "For our ratings."

_Danny's Lab:_

Daniel "I'm not singing and you can't make me."

Jack "Fine, as punishment, you're not going to go."

_Daniel pouts._

McKay "We need the ZedPM to go to Atlantis."

Jack "Well, you can't have it so find another way."

Weir "We really, really, really need it. So give it to us, now!"

Jack "Did you know, you're kinda cute when you're angry."

Everybody "Huh?"

Jack "Sorry, slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was, 'you can have it.'

_Ancient chair:_

Sheppard "Even though Jack told me not to touch anything, and there are chairs elsewhere, I'm going to sit in this really cool-looking one."

Beckett "No, you can't."

Sheppard "I have to."

Beckett "Why?"

Sheppard "If I don't, you lot won't discover my ability and I won't go to Atlantis."

Beckett "Oh."

_Sheppard sits down, nothing happens._

Everyone "Kavanaugh!"

Kavanuagh (backstage) "Sorry."

_The chair activates, everyone important to the scene runs to them._

Jack (hits Sheppard's knee with his hat) "I said don't touch anything."

_Above them, a map of the solar system begins to roll down._

Weir (into headset) "I swear, if you can't get it right, I am going to fire you."

_The map rolls up, everyone acts like nothing happened._

McKay "Think of the solar system."

Slowly, the map begins to roll down, Kavanaugh yells, then the map and someone from above come crashing down onto the set.

The cast looks at each other nervously, a quite second passes.

Sheppard "Did I do that?"

Kavanaugh "Ow." (tries to get up, falls back down)

_The curtain lowers._

Intermission:

(Sounds only, no singing)

Weir "Kavanaugh, are you okay?"

Daniel "Is his leg supposed to bend that way?"

McKay "Norenka, get over here."

Zelenka "My name's Zelenka."

McKay "Right. You're Kavanaugh's replacement?"

Zelenka "Yes."

McKay "Good, go replace him."

Beckett (without accent) "We need to get him patched up."

Sheppard "Right."

_Sounds of someone being dragged and of people moving heavy things._

Daniel "Why can't I go?"

Jack "Because I'm so attached to you." (does a loud fakey cry)

Daniel "O. K… you're scaring me."

Jack "No seriously, if you were to go with them, then every time we had an adventure, they'd have to send you through the gate, and we already previously established that it takes way too much power to dial another galaxy."

Daniel "Right. How do you…"

Jack "I may look stupid, but I only play it on T.V."

Daniel "Oh, come on. Our show is full of so many contrivances, I doubt another one would make a difference."

Jack "No."

_Sounds of things moving._

McKay "No, no, no, this goes here and that goes there."

Ford "Hey, what happened to the whole 'Weir's video to Simon' thing?"

Sheppard "I guess we didn't have time for it."

Beckett "But that was supposed to be a touching segment, showing how each of us say goodbye."

Sheppard "I know. And it was supposed to show how I was in way over my head."

McKay "I miss my cat." (cries)

Ford "Hey! Why does Weir's fiancé get security clearance, but the rest of our families don't?"

Weir "Because I'm the leader of this expedition."

Ford "So? I had to tell my parents I was in Afganistan."

Beckett "My mom thinks I'm still in Antarctica."

Zelenka "There was a security clearance on this mission?"

McKay "Yes, why?"

Zelenka "Uh, oh."

Sheppard "'Uh, oh'?"

Zelenka "I might have, accidentally, told my family, about Atlantis."

Weir "You did what!"

Zelenka "I didn't know!"

Ford "There's nothing we can do about it now."

Weir (impatiently, angrily) "Are we ready?"

Zelenka "Just a second."

_Sounds of a pulley._

Zelenka "Okay."

Weir "Places, everybody."

_Sounds of running feet._

Curtain Rises

* * *

A/N: Please review.


	2. Scene Two

Stargate Atlantis: the Slightly-Screwed Recap  
by mermaid2bseeker

What if the Atlantis crew was doing an improvised review of their first adventure, live on stage, in musical form?

Scene Two:

_Curtain rises: It's the entranceway of Atlantis, nobody's singing anymore._

McKay "We're under water."

Weir "Wow."

Sheppard "Cool."

Beckett "Hey guys, I found this hologram lady."

Sumner "Let's see what it's about."

Ford "Hey, you're not supposed to be here."

Sumner "Why not?"

McKay "There is that whole nagging detail of your being dead"

Sheppard "Leaving me in charge."

Sumner "I don't like you."

Sheppard "Yeah, yeah."

Weir (rolls eyes) "Can we focus?"

Sumner "Let's see this holo-lady."

_They walk to the side of the stage where a round dais has been placed. Beckett stands on a platform and the dais opens up. A figure slowly rises up._

McKay "Aaah, I think I'm blind."

Beckett "She didn't look like that before."

Weir "Daniel, what are you doing here?"

Daniel "Well, hang on…" (adjusts the bra straps of the white dress he's wearing) "that other lady broke her leg and they needed a replacement, so I volunteered. Plus I really wanted to come to Atlantis, so here I am." (looks around) "Wowwwww!"

Beckett (sotto voce) "Psst, the speech."

Daniel "Right," (clears throat) "Millenia ago we arrived in a galaxy devoid of beings. So we spread the seeds of life across thousands of worlds. Soon this life flourished. Then one day we came upon a wrathful race. In our overconfidence we underestimated them. Soon…"

Jack (from off stage) "Daniel!"

Daniel (nervously) "Uh…soon we were at war…"

Jack "Daniel, don't you ignore me."

Daniel "They…uh…they hunted our kind throughout the gal…"

_Jack runs on stage and begins chasing Daniel all over the set_

Daniel "…laaaaxy. Aaaaahhhh!" (running) "So we submerged the city to protect ourselves." (hops over a crate) "God damm stupid dress." (runs up the stairs of the control room) "Then we went back to Earth because…"

Jack (close behind Daniel) "Stop being a chicken!"

Daniel "I am not a chicken! Aaaaahhhh!" (runs up more stairs) "We went back to Earth because we were chicken… no… I mean… we went back to Earth in the hopes of surviving the war." (he enters the jumper bay) "We set the city to slumber…" (looks around and stops, looks around)

Jack (enters bay and stops) "Whoa, spaceships."

Daniel "Yeah."

Jack (grabs Daniel) "Gotcha!" (starts dragging him away)

Daniel "Nooooo!…We set the city to slumber in the hopes that our kind would one day return. I wanna stay in Atlantis!"

_They struggle all the way backstage._

Daniel "Nooooooo!"

_Everyone is quite for a while._

McKay "Oh crap. Um…we have a problem."

Weir "What is it?"

McKay (walking away) "We're all going to die!"

Sheppard "Oh, so it's business as usual."

_They all walk into the control room and stand in front of a computer screen, it's blank._

McKay "The shield is gonna collapse, soon." (looks around) "Ah-hem. 'The shield is gonna collapse, soon'."

Zelenka (backstage) "Oh, right."

_The computer screen comes on and it shows someone singing in the shower in Czechoslavkian._

Sheppard "Um…"

Zelenka (backstage) "Sorry."

_The screen changes to a view of the city._

McKay "Thank you."

Zelenka (backstage) "You're welcome."

_The screen says: "Shield Levels Low."_

Weir "We need to find a ZPM."

Sheppard "Ok, let's go."

Ford "Where to?"

McKay "I'll dial random addresses until I get a lock."

Sumner "Let's go."

_McKay dials the gate, it opens._

Weir "What's going on?"

_The event horizon is spinning wildly._

Sheppard "Why is it doing that?"

McKay "I don't know."

_A series of beeps occurs, then the event horizon starts spinning the other way._

Weir "Stop it."

McKay "I can't."

_It stops spinning_.

McKay (types on computer) "Running diagnostic." (reads his computer screen) "Oh."

Weir "Oh? 'Oh', what?"

McKay "It says: 'Starting rinse cycle, please add fabric softener'."

Ford "What could it mean?"

McKay "Maybe the Ancients used the Stargate to wash their laundry."

Sheppard "'Maybe the Ancients used the Stargate to wash their laundry'? Can you try to do better than that?"

McKay "Hey! If you want to try figuring all this out, be my guest."

Sheppard "Never mind."

McKay "That's what I thought."

Sumner "Hey, can we get going? I kinda have a date with a female Wraith."

Everyone "What?"

Sumner "Not like that. An execution date."

Sheppard "Well, if you're in such a hurry, I could always shoot you now and get it over with."

Sumner "I don't like you."

Sheppard "Yeah, and I don't think you're so hot either."

Weir "Can we all get going? We have to get a ZPM."

Ford "Right, let's go. The audience ain't gonna wait forever."

Sheppard "Dial it up."

_McKay dials the gate again, this time it behaves normally. Everyone who's needs to goes through._

_Curtain lowers._

Intermission:

(sounds only)

Jack "What was that all about?"

Daniel "Hey! I was ascended, I have the Ancient gene, and I am far less conceited than McKay. I have every right to be in Atlantis."

McKay "I resent that."

_Sounds of people moving equipment._

Zelenka (curses in Czech) "That was my foot."

Female person "Sorry."

Ford "Has anyone seen Teyla?"

Weir "Where are my Wraith darts? Where's the village?"

_Sounds of wheels squeaking._

Zelenka "Here are your darts."

Weir "Good, put them over there."

Sumner "Aren't we missing some people?"

McKay "The screaming villagers."

_Sounds of terrified screams._

McKay "NOT YET!"

_Screaming stops._

Ford "Where are the little kids?"

Teyla "Right here."

_A rifle discharges, people scream._

Weir "What happened?"

Sheppard "Sorry, my P-90 accidentally fired."

Weir "Didn't you have the safety on?"

Sheppard "Oops."

Beckett "Anyone who's hurt say your name out loud."

_No one says anything._

Teyla "If they are unconscious or dead, how will they speak?"

Beckett (slaps his forehead) "If you're not hurt say your name."

_One by one almost everyone says their name._

Weir "Wait a minute. Someone was missing."

Beckett "Sumner. He's dead, you killed him."

Sheppard "It was an accident. Besides he was going to die anyways."

Beckett "Good point. What do we do with the body?"

Weir "We'll use it as a prop for a later scene."

Beckett "Okay."

_Sounds of a person being dragged._

Weir "Places everybody."

_Sounds of people running._

Curtain Rises

* * *

A/N: I know it goes without saying, but please review. 


	3. Scene Three

Stargate Atlantis: the Slightly-Screwed Recap  
by mermaid2bseeker

What if the Atlantis crew was doing an improvised review of their first adventure, live on stage, in musical form?

Scene Three:

_Curtain rises: It's the Athosian village._

_It's nighttime and the team is walking away from the gate. A couple of kids come running out of the trees, chasing each other._

Jinto "I got you." (he and the other kid fall to the ground)

Sergent Bates (pointing his rifle at them) "Who are you?"

Sheppard (smacks Bates upside the head) "They're kids, idiot. Lower your weapon."

Bates "I knew that."

Sheppard "Take us to your leader."

Jinto (shrugs) "Ok."

_The team follow the kids to the village._

Jinto (points to a house) "She's in there." (he and the other kid go running off, laughing)

_The team enters the house._

Teyla "Hello, and welcome to our village."

Bates "We're traders, and we have a few specific needs."

Teyla "We do not trade with strangers."

Sheppard "Ok. Well, I'm John Sheppard and I'm a pisces. I like pro football, ferris wheels and fast cars."

Ford "Sir, this isn't a dating service video."

Sheppard "I'm just trying to break the ice."

Teyla "Every morning we like to have tea to prepare us for the coming day. Perhaps you could join us?"

Sheppard "Well, I used to have tea parties all the time with my little sister. We'd love to join you."

Ford "Sir, you're an only child."

Sheppard "Cool it."

_They walk into a separate room._

Weir (backstage) "Cue daytime."

_The sky outside quickly grows lighter, indicating daytime._

Teyla "So you have never heard of the Wraith?"

Sheppard "Nope."

Teyla "Can we go back with you?"

Bates "We can't go back, it was a one-way trip."

Teyla "Oh."

Ford "Um, we noticed some strange structures on the other side of the village. And we were wondering what you knew about them."

Teyla "They're ancient ruins, and if we go near them it will bring the Wraith."

Ford "Oh."

Bates "Isn't about time that we called Weir with an update?"

Sheppard "Right. Ford, you and Bates go call Weir."

Ford "What are you gonna do?"

Sheppard "I have to stay here to learn important information."

Bates (sarcastically) "Right."

Sheppard "Hey, I'm in charge here, I don't have to answer to you."

_Bates and Ford leave the house._

Teyla "I think there is something you need to see."

Sheppard "Ok."

_Teyla and Sheppard leave the house. They walk through a bunch of woods and arrive at a cave_.

Teyla "My people and I have learned much from this cave."

_They walk in, on the cave walls are pictures_.

Sheppard "Even though I can clearly see that they're pictures, the rules require that I ask. What are they?"

Teyla "They are apictorial history of my village."

_Sheppard see something shiny on the ground, and just like a raccoon he picks it up._

Sheppard "Again, I can clearly see that this is a necklace, but I still have to ask. What's this?"

Teyla "Oh, that. It's just a necklace I lost when I was little. Why?"

Sheppard "I think this is where we're supposed to have the (does air quotes) 'sexual tension'."

Teyla "Do we have to?"

_He hands the necklace to her._

Sheppard "I don't see the point of doing it."

_They look at the wall._

Sheppard "So, is this what happens when the Wraith come?"

Daniel (somewhere off-stage) "Oh, come on. You can't do that! It's already been done!"

Jack (also off-stage) "Daniel!"

_Sheppard and Teyla both stop what they are doing and look to the direction of Jack and_ _Daniel._

Daniel "Jack, they're copying us. Remember that scene in the movie where Shau'ri shows me the cave paintings?"

Jack (a bit angrily and impatiently) "Daniel, I'm warning you!"

Daniel "No! They're doing the same thing, and it's not the only time they'll eeeeehhhhhkkkkk!"

_Sounds of someone strangling someone else._

_Sheppard and Teyla continue the scene._

Teyla "Yes, they take many of our…"

Daniel "You killed me! I can't believe you killed me!"

Jack (screams in frustration) "I can't get rid of him! He keeps coming back!"

Daniel "Don't you walk away from me! I'm not finished with you yet!"

_Their voices trail off, everyone waits a few moments._

Sheppard "O.K. You were saying?"

Teyla "Uh…right. Um, they take many of our number to feed off of."

Sheppard "That sucks."

Teyla "Tell me about it."

Weir (backstage) "Cue nighttime."

_The sky outside quickly grows darker, indicating nighttime._

_Back at the gate:_

Ford "Hey. What happened to the daytime?"

_The stargate activates and three Wraith darts fly through._

Zelenka (backstage, remote controling the darts) "Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhooooooooo!"

Weir (backstage) "Without the sound effects, please."

Ford "What was that?"

_Back at the cave:_

Sheppard "So how do you protect yourselves?"

Teyla "Some of my people can sense the Wraith coming. They warn us in time to hide."

Sheppard "Wow."

McKay (backstage) "Cue screaming villagers."

_Sounds of terrified screams_.

_Sheppard and Teyla run out of the cave_.

Sheppard "What is it?"

Teyla "The Wraith."

_They run through the trees towards the village and get separated._

Sheppard "What was that?" (he looks around) "Teyla?"

_A figure covered in a white sheet appears beside a tree. It makes creepy ghost noises with a Czech accent._

Sheppard "Zelenka? What are you doing here?"

Zelenka (pulls the sheet off himself) "Well, Steve-the-primadonna didn't want to create the weird misty things, so I had to think of something."

Sheppard "Oh. Good job."

Zelenka "Thank you."

_Teyla appears beside Zelenka._

Teyla "We must hurry, the Wraith can make you see things that are not there."

Sheppard "Right."

_They run off, Zelenka shakes his head and mutters in Czech before walking off stage._

Teyla "Oh, no!"

_A bright spotlight is following them as they run. She pushes Sheppard out of the way. The light shines on her and she falls through a trapdoor in the stage._

Sheppard "Teyla!"

_He runs toward the village._

_The village is being destroyed by fire, there are people running around screaming. Above them, miniatures Wraith darts shoot laser beams at the town and fly around._

_Sheppard and everyone with a gun shoot at the darts. Then the darts fly off towards the Stargate._

Ford (over radio) "Sir, the gate just activated. Three enemy midgets headed this way."

Sheppard (into radio) "Let them go. Memorize the address."

Ford "Right."

_Curtain lowers._

Intermission:

(sound only)

Weir "Put those fires out."

_Sounds of a fire extinguisher._

Weir "Where's Zelenka?"

Zelenka "Right here."

Weir "What were you thinking?"

Zelenka "About what?"

Weir "Telling your folks about Atlantis."

Ford "Um, that was like two intermissions ago."

Weir "What? Oh. Never mind."

Zelenka "Ok."

_Sounds of people moving equipment._

Sheppard "Steve, where's Steve?"

Steve-the-Wraith "I am in makeup. But when I get out, I will feast on all of you."

Sheppard "That's the spirit."

McKay "Hey, who parked the gateship there?"

Sheppard "'Gateship'? What? A little puddlejumper like this?"

McKay "It's a ship. It goes through the gate. Gateship. Ford thought it was cool."

Sheppard "Oh, well that settles it, then. Neither of you get to name anything. Ever."

Ford "Where's Sumner?"

Beckett "He's dead. Remember?"

Ford "I know that. I mean, where's the body? We need it for the scene."

Beckett "He's in the refrigerator."

Ford "Ok."

Weir "Hey, where are the Wraith 'hard-heads'?"

Steve-the-Wraith "Your insults will be your undoing."

Weir "Not you, Steve."

_More equipment moving._

Jack (running left-to-right across stage) "aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh!"

Daniel (following Jack) "Oh, don't you run away from me. I'm ascended now, I can follow you wherever you go."

Jack "Oh yeah. Well say hello to my little friends."

Daniel (running right-to-left across stage) "aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh! Pollen!"

Jack (following Daniel) "Yeah. Who's big and mighty now? Huh?"

_Their voice trail off._

_Everyone is quite for a while._

Zelenka "Can we put them down or something?"

Beckett "I might be able to whip up a strong sleeping medicine. It should keep Jack and Daniel asleep for the next few hours."

Zelenka "Ooh, good idea."

Weir "Why don't we just call up the Asgard and have them beam Jack and Daniel back to Earth."

Zelenka "Ooh, better idea. Does anybody know the address of the Asgard?"

McKay "If we don't have enough power to gate to Earth, do you honestly think we'll have enough power to gate to the Halla galaxy?"

Weir "Where?"

McKay "It's the Asgard's home galaxy."

Weir "Oh. Dammit."

Zelenka "I guess we go with the sleeping medicine."

Weir "Places, everybody."

_Sounds of people running._

Curtain Rises

* * *

A/N: I know it goes without saying, but please review my story. 


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